Büyüdük

Kahkahalarınız acımıza battığında anlıyoruz büyüdüğümüzü…
Gecenin köründe bölünüyorsa uykularımız, gözlerimizi açmak bu kadar korkutuyorsa eğer can yakan bir şeyler vardı demek ki. Gök gürültüsünden korkan çocuklardık biz. Hangi arada bu acıları sığdırdık kalbimize?

Eskiden ağaca tırmanırdık, yakar top oynardık, ip atlardık. Oğlanlar çember çevirirdi, kızların bebekleri bezdendi. Komşuda pişen, bize de düşerdi, bizde pişen de komşuya. Takvim arkaları okunurdu, radyo dinlenirdi… Soba yakılır, merdiven çıkılır, yönetici seçilmezdi, aidat ödemezdi. Annelerimiz biraz fazla güldüklerinde ellerinin tersiyle gözlerini siler, of çok güldük, ağlayacağız derlerdi. Keşke bizler de onlar gibi gülebilsek şimdi…

Şimdi
Büyük balığın küçük balığı yuttuğu, bir kovalamaca, bir yarış içindeyiz.  Tüm mavi duygular unutulmuş,  hırslar, nefret ve tüm kabus duygularla yoğrulmuş, bakışlar lanetli, dost dediklerimiz ise fazlasıyla kurnaz…
Şimdi herkes yorgun ve tek başına
Şimdi gülen yok…
Aşklar, küçüklü büyüklü makinelerde oynanılan, bir iki günlük, bilemedin bir kaç aylık bir oyun. İstediğin an görebileceğin özlemin, hasretin olmadığı bir komedi…

Küçükken yorganın altına saklandığımızda güvende hissederdik kendimizi. Peki ya şimdi…
Örtüyü çekince kafamıza kadar geçiyor mu acılar? Çocuktuk, güzeldik o zamanlar. Sadece alınmayan şeker, oyuncak için akardı tuzlu gözyaşlarımız. Ve hep sadece dizimiz kanar sanıyorduk o zamanlar. Büyüdük, öğrendik kanayan yerlerin sadece dizlerimiz olmadığını.
Kalp de kanayabiliyormuş…
O yarayı öpen olmayınca haliyle geçmesi de zor oluyormuş.
Büyüdük…
Artık o çizgi filmlerdeki rengarenk dünya yok etrafımızda.
Artık her şey siyah… Olabildiğince “siyah”

Sonuç mu..?
Aynada bakabiliriz içimizdeki boşluğun yansımasına…

2 thoughts on “Büyüdük

  1. bazı şeyleri geç fark ediyoruz, mesela senin yazma kabiliyetin gibi …
    ancak insan kendine başkasının kamerasından baktığında senin aynan gibi kendindeki farklılıkları görmeye başlıyor, sanırım takipçin olacağım, tebrik ederim canım 😀

    1. Aslında hepmiz biliyoruz yazdığım ya da yazılan şeyleri ama kendimize bakıp yorumlamak için hep korkularımız var ben onları yansıtabiliyorsam ne mutlu bana… Çok teşekkür ederim 🙂

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